Harnessing Accountability
Harnessing Accountability
We all want to be heard, seen, validated and understood. I know you who are reading this feel the same. So does anyone you are in a relationship with. Your parents, spouse, children, co-workers and friends all want the same for themselves. We are so busy trying to be heard that we do not stop to listen with integrity to the relationships that mean the most to us. This perpetuates toxic communication and an inevitable demise in emotional connectivity. Therefore we suffer and do not experience our truest and most authentic potential.
I find that if I can help shift the behavior of one person in a relationship, the entire relationship stands to benefit. You are reading this and what that tells me is that you are ready to be the one that creates and allows for the shifts to happen in your own relationships. I am going to lead you toward that by asking you to reflect on your own choices in how you communicate.
Every single day you wake up and choose your behaviors, languages and actions. You choose to work in the specific job you have and you choose to eat the foods you stick in your mouth. You choose the clothes you wear and the car you drive. Just the same, you choose the words you use. You choose the tones at which you deliver those words. You choose the look on your face and where you hold your hands when you’re speaking, or yelling.
These choices come from what you’ve witnessed and perceived, heard and experienced in your life from the moment you came out of your mom.
It is time to get honest with yourself and reflect on how you choose to face this world from the moment you walk out your bedroom door. Stop paying attention to those around you. Let go of your need to be hyper-focused on everyone else’s behavior towards you and direct that attention entirely to yourself. Someone can scream #%@& YOU in your face, and it is entirely up to you how you will respond to that. Will you meet them toe to toe and scream back? Or will you choose to understand that person’s outburst has absolutely nothing to do with you?
We take way too much personally which keeps us in a state of awareness of others and not ourselves. This inevitably leads to a complete lack of accountability and a sense of victimization. I do not want you to live in that state. I want you to live in a state of complete accountability and ownership of yourself through integrity and smart choices.
How do you handle stressful situations? How do you engage in confrontation? What words do you use? And what is your body language? How do you speak to your children when you become frustrated with them? What is the tone you use with your spouse when you ask them, once again, to help with tasks around the house or to pay a bill that hasn’t been met yet?
When the clerk at the store seems to be going at a snail’s pace to get their customers through the line, what is your behavior towards him when it’s finally your turn to engage?
And last but most important, how do you speak to yourself? When you miss a deadline, or pick your kids up late from school, what do you say to yourself? Are you kind and forgiving? Or are you harsh and critical?
It doesn’t matter right now why you behave as you do. Those choices can change right now without understanding how you got into these negative behaviors and habits. What is important right now is that you know the change can happen immediately and you can start living your life with more integrity today. By taking accountability for how you choose to interact not only with others but with yourself as well, you can instantly reap the rewards of less stress and greater happiness. I promise! Like any bad habit, however, this takes constant repetition to break the old habit and instill new habits that bring value to your life. You can make a daily habit of reflecting on your behaviors in easy moments like when you brush your teeth or are getting dressed for the day. These are terrific moments for positive reflection as it takes no time away from your day.
Homework:
Take a few minutes to close your eyes and breath easy. When you find that you have a slow and consistent breath, allow yourself to reflect on the kind of language you use. Words, tones and body language. Then I want you to choose a significant person in your life and reflect a little on how you engage with them. You are going to test your new skills on this person. I encourage you to not let them know what you’re doing so that you can allow yourself the freedom and zero expectations to gently build new habits of communication. This skill set will work and transform your experience without them ever knowing what you are doing.
*Again, you do not have to stop in your day to do this. This homework can also be done in those easy spaces of quiet in your day like the drive to work or getting ready in the morning.
